A Letter to My Mom on Mother’s Day

Hi Mom,

Happy Mother’s Day!

How are you?

How are things going?

What are you up to?

Anything new going on?

I miss you.

It’s Mothers Day. Its my 10th without you. You would think I would be better at this by now…better at being without you… At this point I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t know if i will ever simply “get use to it”. Or maybe its just the past few years…

Three years ago I was planning my wedding, and preparing to move in with my fiance (now husband) for the first time.

Last year I had just found out I was pregnant with our first child (what would have been your first grandchild).

This year I have a beautiful daughter, a wonderful reason to celebrate Mother’s Day!

…and all I keep feeling is this gigantic hole in my soul because you would have been here for all of it. You would have been here every step of the way. You would be here to answer my call at 2am when I cant get her to stop crying and I don’t know whats wrong. You would call after every one of her check ups because you would remember when they were and would want to know how much she’s grown and how perfect the pediatrician says she is. You would be here enjoy her coo’s, her playful smile, and all the beautiful things about her that make her unique and amazing! You would be here every step of the way.

Its been a bittersweet day. As much as I love her, as much joy and light as she brings into my life… I also miss you. Its strange to be a mother and an adult, but still feel like a girl who just wants her mom. I still want to pick up the phone and call you. I still want to make plans for our next visit together. I still want learn from you. I still want to learn about you. I know I said I would be OK, but I wasn’t done yet. I still needed you, and I still need you. Does that ever change? I’m beginning to think not… But I’m learning. I’m growing. I’m navigating this foreign territory of motherhood the very best I can. I wish you were here to help guide me, but I have a wonderful fist mate (my husband), and an excellent navigator (my mother-in-law) I also have several people at the ready should I need assistance (and I know I will!).

I know you had to go. If I could have you back but you had to be as sick as you were before, I wouldn’t do it. I know you’re in a better place. I know you are no longer plagued with sickness, immobility, or the weight of a disease you had no control over (which really pissed you off), and I would never take that from you! You raised me to be independent, self-sufficient, and strong! That’s what I have been trying to be. That’s what I will continue to be.  That’s who I will teach my daughter to be. But I still miss you. I still wish you could be here. I still mourn not only for my loss, but the loss she will endure because she will only know you through someone else’s memories. I hope that’s enough for her, some days it’s not enough for me.

I guess what it all boils down to, in my very wordy and sporadic way, is I miss you Mom. I love you. I hope I’m turning out to be a daughter and a mother you could have been proud of. I did, after all, have the best example. As much as we (my brother and I) know we were loved, I hope you know you were/are as well. You were our biggest fan, loudest cheerleader, teacher, helper, counselor, activities director, motivator, our best advocate. You were my best friend. You were, are, and always will be my mother. My only hope is that I can live up to your example, and the example set by all the wonderful maternal figures I have been blessed with.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom!

I miss you. I love you!

~Your Deborah

 

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