I Miss You

I miss you.

I miss talking to you for hours at a time about absolutely nothing.
I miss knowing you”re only a phone call away.
I miss your voice and the sound of your laugh.
I miss your words of advice and comfort when life takes unexpected turns.
I miss your hugs, and the way you held on no matter what.
I miss your tenacity and stubbornness.
I miss the way you stood up for those closest to you.
I miss not getting to ask you questions.
I miss your encouragement, and support of the choices I made/was making.
I missed you at your sons graduation.
I missed you while planning my wedding.
I missed you being there next to me on my wedding day

I will miss you not being there to find out I’m expecting.
I will miss you when I have questions about expecting.
I will miss you when youre not their for the birth of your grandchildren.
I will miss not getting to hear them call you “Grandma”.
I will miss getting to see you spoil them.
I will miss all the lessons they will never get to learn from you.

Mostly though Mom, I just miss you. I really miss you.

The MS Walk is tomorrow and I am not able to go. It was a last minute decision to even sign-up (literally, I found out about it 2 weeks ago and signed up on a whim), but since I haven’t raised any funds for the event, and I hate going to things empty handed, I’m not going to go this year…

However, i have decided to really put some effort into the event for next year. I want to get involved with the local MS Chapter, and do this thing next year. Actually TRY to be part of this thing. For so long I have avoided anything to do with MS. After losing my mother to MS, I couldn’t be around people who had been dealing with MS for years and still had their mobility, their health, their lives. It made me so ANGRY! Why do they get to have it for 20, 30, 50 years and only have some blurry vision and balance issues, and my beautiful, smart, vibrant mother lost everything within 10 years. My brother and I lost everything within 10 years. I couldn’t deal with anger, grief, sadness, and ENVY of seeing others living active lives with MS.

I won’t lie, I still get angry. I still am dealing with the grief and sadness. And I’m still envious of those who get to keep their loved ones, and those who can maintain their independence and mobility with such a debilitating disease. All those feelings dont feel as crushing now. I can handle it all now, at least I feel like I can. My mothers experiences were life changing for my whole family, but if I can help someone else get thru something similar, if I can help someone else see a bit of silver lining, them it will not be in vain. My mothers life with all mean something to those who knew and loved her, but by sharing her battle with MS, her struggle would not have been in vain. For her, I can do this.

She always had a way of bringing out the best in me. I miss that part of me the most. But I miss her most of all.

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